It’s no secret that Makoto Shinkai’s Your Name (Kimi no Na wa) was a massive achievement in the animation film industry. After earning over $328 million USD worldwide and kicking Hayao Miyazaki’s Spirited Away in the crotch like a bully taking someone’s lunch money, many wondered what more could the film achieve?
Well, we spoke to film director Makoto Shinkai and even though it was hard to hear him from underneath a massive pile of awards, one of which was not an Oscar, he had the following to say:
“We are very pleased to announce that Kimi no Na wa has replaced God in Christianity, Buddhism, and Scientology. We are overjoyed that people around the world have accepted Taki and Mitsuha as their new deities.”
Of course, Mr. Shinkai was speaking Japanese and was more than likely crying out for help due to his oxygen supply diminishing, but our Japanese intern here at The Outerhaven; that followed us home after Sakura Matsuri, assured us his interpretation of Shinkai’s muffled and anguished words was accurate and we blindly took his word for it. We here at The Outerhaven also heard rumors of this happening ever since the film made its debut at Anime Expo in Los Angeles back in the pre-Trump era known as 2016. North American weeb trash alike spilled from the theater hall with phrases such as:
“That was good.”
“I liked it”
“Man, I need to take a piss.”
“Heh, Mitsuha touched herself.”
and
“Spirited Away was better.”
You could just tell from those quotes that it was inevitable that Your Name would overtake the major deities and lead us down a new path of enlightenment and glory. In fact, after witnessing the film for himself, Hayao Miyazaki muttered the words “Your Name was a mistake” and lifted himself off of his rocking chair like a phoenix rising from the ashes and declared he was coming out of retirement to make a film about a caterpillar or something.
The early praise even took to online websites where people rated the movie higher than mediocre works such as Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and every single incarnation of Gintama. Due to the current trend of the movie’s success, we project that those who worship Taki and Mitsuha will soon clash in holy war, bringing our little seedling to ruin.
It is our belief that this will begin when Taki worshippers claim that Mitsuha’s English dub was absolutely atrocious and that Taki’s was decent enough to carry the film. Of course, the Mitsuha supporters will agree to a degree, but counter that the Japanese acting trumps all, thus making Mitsuha the superior character. Hellfire and brimstone is the natural follow up to such an argument. We believe that the argument will begin on Reddit then spill over to Tumblr. National Social Justice Warriors will try to jump in as it will be the hot topic of the week, but will be swiftly defeated, forcing them to retreat to their local college’s safe spaces.
Like most anime wars, it should be over in the span of 24 hours and the community will refocus on more pressing issues, such as why Attack on Titan‘s second season only has 12 episodes after waiting four Taki-damned years!
If you’re interested, Your Name opens on April 7 in theaters most likely not anywhere near you… unless you live in a city with an above average sales tax and people who make more money in an hour than you do all year. Don’t worry, though. You will have a chance to own the film yourself as the Blu-Ray is scheduled to release between today and sometime before the sun morphs into a red giant and burns us all alive.
