The Internet can never get it right. You’d think with unlimited topics, the masses would collectively hit the nail on the head at least a few times, right? This morning’s Pokemon Direct once again highlighted just how tasteless humanity can be. Grookey, clearly the best starter available in Pokemon Sword and Shield, has been cast aside by the haters and losers (of which there are many).
Hey Grookey, where ya goin?
Oh, where you belong.
See ya! pic.twitter.com/vHsUuOdKHi
— D1 (@xD1x) February 27, 2019
Since so many are too ignorant to figure it out on their own, I will explain why Grookey, the grass-type, should be your companion through the Galar Region. Prepare yourself for a quick dosage of cold-hard facts.
Fact 1: Monkeys are Objectively the Best Animal in Both Fiction and Reality
Harambe, Donkey Kong, Chimchar, Diddy Kong, Abu, The Rest of the Kong Family, Chim-Chim, Curious George. All monkeys, all awesome and vital to the story of humankind. These primates represent the best of humanity. All have had an extraordinary impact on childhoods around the world, and become legends we will tell our grandchildren about. Grookey has huge shoes to fill if he wants to get his name added amongst these legends, but given his classification in the animal kingdom he’s already well on his way.
Bonus Fact: Rabbits are Notorious Failures
The Hare was humiliated by The Tortoise in a race. Br’er Rabbit lost his temper and got stuck to a tar baby (he escaped, but maybe learn to controller your emotions, rabbit). Lola Bunny created a generation of furries. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit got thrown away and replaced by Mickey Mouse because no child could ever love a rabbit (except for Lola Bunny). The Easter Bunny is the stupidest holiday mascot ever created. Respect to Bugs Bunny, and that’s it.
Fact 2: Grookey Doesn’t Play Around
Not in the traditional sense, of course. Part of what makes monkeys, and by extension Grookey, so great is the fact that they do play around. I’m talking about combat, where Grookey clearly excels. He owns the playground. Scorbunny runs for the hills when the amoeba Pokemon Sobble attacks. Sobble knows it’s time to split when he hears the clink of a stick on a rock. He knows who’s lurking behind him: Grookey, Lord of Galar. By the transitive property, Grookey also beats Scorbunny. It’s basic math.
Remember the fear you had when you heard your older sibling’s footsteps coming into the room when you were playing video games as a kid? That sinking feeling in your chest as you came to accept that they were about to kick you off? That’s what Scorbunny and Sobble feel when they hear Grookey tapping on rocks.
Fact 3: You Want Your Children to be Like Grookey
Scorbunny might seem cute, but if you picked it as a Pokemon you’d instantly regret it. Scorbunny is like a toddler that won’t stop trying to escape its crib. According to Pokemon Sword and Shield’s director, Shigeru Ohmori, Scorbunny is “always running about, bursting with energy”. That’s a nice way of saying “it’s like children who keep running down the aisle on an airplane for seemingly no reason.” You hate those kids, and you’d also hate Scorbunny.
Meanwhile Sobble can only be described as an honorless coward. “It’s a bit timid, shooting out attacks as it hides in the water”… Really? People are picking this twerp instead of Grookey? Might as well call it the bitch boy Pokemon, because this water-type is… well… a little bitch. Also, it’s name is Sobble. It cries all the time. Just constant crying, hiding, and cowering. You all saw it run from Grookey. Sobble is trash.
Grookey shows early signs of genius. “This mischievous Pokemon is full of boundless curiosity.” Curious kids grow up to be world leaders, that’s just science. Here’s a WebMD article to prove it. And that mischievous side? Exactly what Pokemon Trainers need. Grookey will get you into all sorts of adventures you never would have enjoyed had he not thrown that stick at someone. If you had a child, you’d want them to behave just like Grookey.
Closing Statements
Three facts should do it, but if you still need more please feel free to reach out in the comments section or on social media. I’d be glad to further explain why Grookey dunks on Sobble and Scorbunny to those who still count themselves among the haters and losers. You can vote for Grookey on the tweet below. If you already voted incorrectly on the official Pokemon poll, here’s your chance to make amends.
Which #Pokemon will be your starter? #PokemonSwordShield #PokemonDay #Grookey #Scorbunny #Sobble
— N.E.P. (@NEPPodcast) February 27, 2019
One More Bonus Fact for the Road
If the starters were Powerpuff Girls, Grookey would be Buttercup. Clearly the best.
